No bringing up the past
A common theme or habit many couples do when arguing is bringing up past events or situations in the marriage as a form of pointing the finger or they may use a previous situation to justify their current actions. This is not a healthy way to resolve conflicts because those past issues were dealt with and already settled on and not only does it not address the new issues but it tells your spouse or partner you really never had closure on the past issues.
An example of this ,would be the both of you had a previous issue that may have been resolved and its later brought back up and used as ammo in your present day disagreement.
No name-calling or attacks on character
Another very bad habit which tends to happen during arguments, partners tend to start attacking each other’s character, this could include everything from fault finding, putting each other down, to magnifying each other’s weaknesses and can end up in all-out shouting match. Before things escalate and get out of control, keep these things below in mind
- Focus on solving the issues
- Understand that Pride, ego, and anger are usually what causes this behavior
- If an argument escalates, try to revisit when both of you are calm
- Understand that words do hurt
No arguing in public or in front of the kids
This point is huge, and can have collateral damage especially with children and in public places, firstly you should never argue out in public, because its very embarrassing for both you and your spouse/mate and I can almost guarantee you will make whatever issues you have even worse, they will feel disrespected, violated and hurt. Arguing in front of your children can have traumatic effects both present and in the future and they can grow up and carry that into their adult relationships and marriages. Just know that should be off-limits, agree to handle the issues in private if you have smaller children send them to their room. If you have teenagers, sometimes it can be good to just let them know you have a disagreement and perhaps let them go to a friends house or something.
Raise your point without raising your voice
Believe it or not, there is actually a wrong way and a better way to diffuse and resolve arguments, but it does take practice and maturity. This can be a challenge for new couples, even some seasoned couples, that may not have a grip on dealing with conflict. Some things to remember
- Try to be aware of your tone, meaning are you speaking loudly or in an aggressive manner
- Facial gestures, body gestures, and your attitude will make all the difference in how you are perceived by your spouse or partner
- Let your spouse/mate know your view, but allow each other to take turns listening and no over-talking each other
Use words like baby, how can we resolve it
The goal of any argument or disagreement should be to resolve it, if its something more sensitive it may require more then one round of talks. Words like “baby”, “honey” using any terms of endearment and then letting your spouse or mate know your goal is to have a peaceful resolution should be the goal!. If its something petty or small you should be agreeing to disagree and move on. Don’t let disagreements which have no bearing on anything substantial, be the reason you both get angry. If its a more serious issue which requires attention, then perhaps finding a common ground or compromise should be the goal